I.D.K.,,

i feel like my life is at a stand still..I'm not doing anything..I'm not working..I'm not in school..I'm just here..feels like I'm wasting away..i feel like my life is on pause for the first time of my life..i don't feel like myself anymore..like i don't get excited anymore..I'm rarely happy..sometimes i feel numb..like i don't feel anything..i mean yea i still hang out..but sometimes id rather stay in..i NEVER use to like staying in..but now id rather do that than anything else..i feel so UN-accomplished i been out of school for a year..and when i was in school for that one little semester i didn't take advantage of it..to be honest i could have BEEN in school but i procrastinated..to be honest i don't think college is for me anymore..after my grandmother died and i had to leave St.Aug apart iv me died..i know college would benefit me in the long run..but its plenty of people who lead happy and successful lives with out a college degree..i mean yes college is nice but its not mandatory for a happy life..you know what the more i think about it i kind of want to change my major..i don't think my heart is in forensics anymore..I.D.K why but its just not hitting home like it use to for me..i mean I've been wanting to be a Forensic Scientist since about the 9th grade..but before that i wanted to be an obstetrician because i like kids which brings me back to my change of heart..i think i wanna change my major to either social worker or early childhood development and teach either elementary school or work at a daycare center and minor in criminal justice..but i know there is no money in teaching..but i would be doing what i love..I.D.K..i have about a year left to let my heart decide..i remember when i was little i wanted to be just like my mommy =).♥.an endoscopy technician..i wanted to be a writer..a professional cheerleader..i wanted to be everything under the sun i had my whole life planed out..its funny how when your a child you could picture your life and how it will turn out not knowing that its a slim chance it will actually happen...sometimes i wish i could go back to my childhood..you know..no cares..you fall mommy would kiss it and make it all better..making best friends on the first day of school..you have a bad dream you can sleep with mommy..you get sick mommy make you feel special & she does extra little things to ease the pain..i miss the innocence..when i didn't have a care in the world...

just blogg.n

i don't know..kind of having mixed feelings right now..I'm mad,sad and confused..i don't understand why I'm feeling this way..maybe if i break it down ill feel much better...just talk about anything that comes to mind...

[friends]..what is a friend really??..does anybody truley know??..i mean i think i have a little thought of what a friend is..well i don't..I'm not gon sit up here and try to lie..or make up some shit..cuz i don't know..the dictionary says "one attached to another by affection or esteem;serving a beneficial or helpful purpose"i mean is that really what a friend is??..i don't think there is a real definition of a friend..i mean can you really define your friend..i don't have any friends..friends are over rated..i mean i had friends at one time but they long gone..who needs friends when you have family..my best.friend is my sister;& my two "friends" are cousins.lls.[in].i don't need friends..family is all i need

[life]..what is life really..i mean you live & you die..what are you suppose to with it besides the "basic.s"..go to school,get good grades,graduate,go to college,dont drink or do drugs,graduate college,meet somebody,get a good government job,settle down,grow old together,and die..that's so lame and boring..if life was like that it wouldn't be worth living..if everybody was the same life would be dry..its the differences and unknown that makes life interesting.i wonder if Adam would have never taken a bite of the apple would life be better..they say if Adam would have never biten the apple there would be no violence,no sorrow,no pain,no grief,no wrong,no right.it would just be life..as a culture..or as humans we've become attracted to flaws and wrong doings its just how were built..if god was to transform this world into the "before the apple" world and let us keep the knowledge we have..we would die.[hypothetically]

[preference]..I'm a very sexual person but i haven't had that many sexual experiences..i prolly think about sex 12 hr.s a day...its like a bad song..once its in my head i cant get out..but lately i been thinking about this one particular person..i don't think of them in a sexual sense just about the feelings they give me..I'm not lusting or fantasizing about them,,there just on my mind constantly..and i dont have the slightest reason why..like i think its so weird that when they text or call me i get butterflies like crazy..& when i text or call them my stomach hurts because i don't know whats gonna happen..when i think about young.n i get a smile on my face..i don't know if its feelings or infatuation..like i truely don't know..i don't want to be with this person i just want to be around them constantly..like 24/7..i don't think I'm attracted to them but in the same breath there not ugly either....i don't know maybe its a phase..maybe ill get over it..I.D.K....

[love]..what is love exactly..I.D.K but i think love is selfless..self sacrificing..forgiving..deep..kind..everlasting..joy..pain..non-discriminating..happiness and blind..i don't think once you love somebody you cant just up and not love them anymore..just a little less.i presume..idk..i know i cant just stop loving somebody..its not in me I'm not built that way..im not larcen hearted..im actually emotional..VERY..i wear my heart on my sleeve..you can always tell how im feeling by my behavior..i don't know how to hide my emotions..i think im overly emotional..I.DK

bored off tha late night...

life is too short to wake up with regrets..so love the people who treat you right..and love the ones who don't just because you can..believe everything happens for a reason..if you get a second chance at something..grab it with both hands..if it changes your life..let it..kiss slowly & with your eyes closed..forgive quickly..god never said life would be easy..he just promised it would be worth it..there's only two definite dates in your life..your birthday and the day you die..so what you do in the mean time in between time is totally up to you..you can either accomplish life..or die unaccomplished..stop dwelling on the negativity's of your life..you don't have to be a product of your enviorment..when people throw stones at you..you can do one of two things..you can either pick them up and throw them back or you can pick them up and build you a castle(T.H)..let your insecurities and fears be your stepping stones to a better and more confident lifestyle..erase the "i cant" out of your vocabulary..because if all you know is "i can"..fears of the unknown wont b as scary and you wont be as closed mind towards things..you would look at things in a whole new perspective and see huge milestones as simple obstacles..don't live life through other peoples experiences..experience your own..

ramblings,,

the saddest part isn't that with each passing day i feel like i need you more..but it's the fact that you don't need me at all..it's quite ironical in life that the person that brings out the best in you and the person that makes you strong is your weakness..smiles are no more than hollow love..i sometimes wish you were here..because my weakness is my fear..when I'm alone i am myself & feel that there is no real reason left for me to care..i didn't get what i wanted..so i took what wanted me..settling...though memories are suppose to last forever..there comes a point in time when the memories just die.....

just think.n,,

why are people so concerned with how you are living...why do people make it their business to tell you how you should act,live,and be? are they so bored with their own life that they have to ruin yours..like W.T.F i don't get it..the shit gets on my nerves..then their who you should and shouldn't hang around..whats the big deal..every person ain't for everybody..[if that makes sense]..like everybody don't want to hang out with a boring person..that shit ain't cool..that shit is lame,wack..against my religion..i do what i want because in the end the only person that matters is me..i could care less about what you think about me and my lifestyle..mind your fucking business my man..I'm the only person i wake up and go to sleep as..I'm not fitna change me to satisfy you..who are you?..judge me?..so what..fuckas been judging me since i came out the womb..and I'm still living life..and will continue too..one fucka don't stop no show..I'm a 1 woman band..independent..doing this shit for myself..hate when people try so damn hard to please others..fuck them..they cant help your life only you can..do what the fuck you want..you are the only person who has to deal with the decisions that you make..you are the soul benefactor of your actions..you and you alone..man just live life who gives a fuck..if you religious go to church..if you aint that's all fine and good too..don't let nobody make you feel bad because you don't have a religion or believe in their GOD..i mean religion aint for everybody..some people just aint strong enough to deal with it..but what is religion really??..FAITH?..BELIEVING?..im mean what..why do you believe or not?...some people cant even answer..uwho are you to judge them and try and throw holy water and the bible at them..there still people just like you..they just live by a different creed..and how can you look at it as BIG sin..whole time there is no big or small sin..SIN is SIN..KILLING..DRINKING..FORNICATING..LIEING..ADULTRY..CURSING..LUST..ENVY..it's all sin..but since you go to church everyday your holier than thou..you've been saved all your life..cut the crap..you sin more than you think..people so blind it don't make no since..you think you can be out here doing whatever as long as you repint and go to church on sunday you good..naw you not even close it takes more than just repinting and church..get your mind right..were all humans here..#random.."are you gay??"..am i the only person who hates this question..like why does it matter..if i was..would that change your perception of me?..most likely it would..people say they don't care if your gay or not but whole time they do..allot of people lie about their preference because there afraid of what others may think..so they compromise there happiness for acceptance..like so what..fuck who you wanna..if your a dude and you feel as though a dude's for you..do you..fuck what other people think..if you like both sexes..i say go for that shit..just protect yours..don't be all reckless..have some kind of respect about yours..and be truthful..if you fucking a bitch and a dude be upfront..tell them both whats up because nobody likes surprises.....

bored is shit mane.lls,

you really put it on ya girl i love the way you kiss the pearl i love it how we do it anywhere i love it when you sweat out my hair.[not really].lls.boy yu like a M.J you really know how to beat it & i heard you put it on the street how im an undercover freak..well lemme put it out there yu was like flash in the sheets so fast i had to finish when u left..lls.like a kid with a cake you can really eat & i love how yu act like a stray dog[happy every time i feed yu]..so when you come over here let me talk to you for a minit....lemme put yu up on a couple of things..that thing u do with your tongue it.s amazing, stupendous, marvelous, exciting, outlandish!!.lls...but yr dick game is weak.lls.lemme stop..i did too much..#WGAF!!...

.Apples&Women.

women are like apples on a tree.the best ones are at the top of the tree.the boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.instead they get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good but easy.so the apples at the top think it's something with them but in all reality they're amazing!! they have to wait for the right guy to come along.the one who is brave enough to climb the top of the tree.

cares..

I'm finding it hard to care about anything these days in fact the only thing i do care about is the fact that i cant care about anything..seriously it worries me..i sometimes wonder if i gave less of a fuck would shit be allot easier.i tend to take shit to serious and to heart,and i can never figure out why.i think I've gotten better tho.little shit don't get to me as often,i just let it slide.then theirs stuff i truly want to let go..i mean truly but something inside me just cant.i have this don't care attitude but its always blind sided by my feelings and better judgement.like i know niggas out here Larsen-hearted and shouldn't be fucking with them but its something in me that doesn't want to believe it..something i me believing that there's a good side to everybody.which in most cases is true but some people are just too set in there own ways to realize when they have somebody who truly cares about them and don't want nothing but the best for them. but some people are just so selfish they don't see it....

if i could...

if i could catch a rainbow..i would do it just for you & share with you its beauty on the days you were feeling blue..if i could build a mountain you could call your very own a place to find serenity a place to be alone..if i could take your troubles..i would toss them into the sea...but all these things I'm finding are impossible for me..i cant build a mountain or catch a rainbow fair..but let me be what i know best a friend that's always there...
-anonymous

Fingers on tha keyboard...i guess,,

Um kind of bored jus um sitting thinking or whatever…what should I talk about? Idk.uhmmm…

-FRIENDs I guess. What exactly does that mean? We toss that word around too loosley..sort ov like LOVE..i think those are two very powerful and strong words but we really dont know how to use them & their true meaning...but uhmm Friend’s yeaa I don’t have many…I thought I did, but i later found out everybody is not ment to be your friends..yu have (3) kinds of friends..yu have yr LEAF friends..your BRANCH friends and your ROOTS friends..the LEAF friends stay for a season and is gone before the next..the BRANCH friend hangs in there with yu for a while but soon breaks off because the hold wasnt good enough..but the ROOT friend is there forever..stuck like glue..never letting go..a friend should understand self-sacrifice, it takes two to have a friendship…sorta like a relationship I guess. Friends love UNCODITIONALLY.friends don’t bring up past favors to pressure you into doing one, FRIENDS do things of the heart not of what you could do for them..friends are a blessing..if you have some that are .[TRUE].That’s great. And if you had some and lost them that’s all good too, you win some you loose some sometimes the very thing GOD is trying to tear us away from or free is from is the very things were so DESPERATE to hold on to..we need to learn to let go and let god.

-[Me], um I really don’t know, I think IM kind of a weirdo wear my heart on my sleeve and show each and every emotion that I am feeling..Im SUPER bad at hiding my feelings. [IF YOU T R U L Y KNOW ME]. Kind of a hotheaded loud mouth, um I can be a tad too goofy at times, which tends to annoy some people..[I kind of do it on purpose].lls.its ji like how i show my love sometimes..I don’t know wen to be quiet..Im VERY OPINIONATED! If I feel that I am right about something and your trying to prove me wrong, even if I am wrong I will DEFEND it to thee end. I think my weirdo ways, out going personality, and illuminating full of life antics attract people to me.Even though i dont like peole..not too many people have seen me mad, sad, or cry, I kinda have a protective field around me and is hesitant to let people in I wasn’t always like that it just sort of happened idk when though. I can count on both hands the "friends" that have seen me cry. -&nd I have considered A LOT of people friends..im kind of secretive I mean I share my feelings with my friends but only a select few know my "secrets"..Im still trying to learn how to differentiate friends from associates associates from enemies, and enemies from users.some one once told me that im too forgiving, that if someone killed me and I came back to life I would still be there friend..at that time I took it as a joke but as time went on that statement had become somewhat true.i guess i just think that theres a good side to EVERYBODY..I don’t like to repeat myself, I feel like I’m being dumbed down when i have to break things down and try to explain it in lames terms. I also kind of like when people think I’m dumb, some find it weird but I don’t. I love being doubted because when I speak my mind and say what mean and mean what I say the looks on their faces amaze me. A lot of people don’t know that I am actually very smart I just don’t apply myself, which is dumb in a sense..whatever enough of that.I had some friends that I wanted to be around constantly because of how much fun I had with them…but it was taken as me being to clingy..I mean i'm not afraid to admit dat I can b ah tad clingy. anyway uhm yea, I got a best friend. Well she’s more like my sister we been best friends for 7 years we have been through a lot.cried together mean we jus did whatever. But as we got older we’ve gotten way different I mean we still tight like glue -and I tell her everything but sometimes I feel like I really cant talk to her but sometimes I feel like she has no conversation for me. I mean wen we were younger the 2 3-hr conversations about nothing use to excite me. But I mean wen we get older so should our vewis on life. sometimes i feel like she puts me on the back burner for a lot of things and people and I feel best-friends don’t act like this. Idk that’s jus my thoughts, but me I always put people first which is why I think I be feeling so hurt wen I feel like I’ve been betrayed, let down or mistreated, idk why. I’ve always felt that way. Even though we’ve been friends for years we have never not communicated with each other. She’s still my best friend and we still clique. I love her too much to lose her as a friend.

Lately I’ve learned to not care because people are going to be who they are regardless of your feelings. I mean it’s hard to tell who’s really there for you and have your best interest a heart. Some people jus deal with you because they know the advantages of being your friend or being cool with you. Some people are fake with you for years, which is truly grimy you know what I mean? You know smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend, and show no traces of the evil that lurks within. You got to be careful these day’s....

love and happiness.,,

life is short so love carelessly,what is meant to be will always find its way,kiss with your eyes closed because the best things in life are unseen,remember every minute you spend unhappy is 60 seconds you will never get back..so live life..color outside the lines,live with no regrets,say what you mean and mean what you say..don't dwell on yesterday live in the now.......

:/..

Why is it easier for us to forgive an enemy than a friend? Is it because the ones we let close to our hearts hurt us the most?..Or the fact that a friend could actually hurt us that bad? Is it because we have no real connection with the ''enemy'' that when they come wrong it most come from what they've seen or heard?. Or is it that we know when an enemy comes to us it must b nothing but the truth because we dont run in the same circle?..i dont know......

Jus Writin'....

when did i become this ''green monster''..that's not apart of my nature..i don't get jealous..i don't let stuff eat at me..i wasn't built like that..jealously is a nasty emotion..or whatever it is..i know it's not nice.where does jealously come from? i guess it.s the sister of envy..one of the 7 deadly sins..jealously is like a seed,a seed planted in your mind & soul..its like cancer.it wont stop until it consumes you and make your life unbearable and miserable. Misery loves company.you want what someone else has.i wouldn't say that I'm out right jealous or envious,its just when i see people get things so easily with out working for it & i have too work my ass off for the little i do have.I'm not being ungrateful because i know I'm blessed.there are people way off worse than me.it's people who have homes but no heat or water or food or electricity.I'm fortunate enough to have all of that and more.i am so blessed that if i don't want to stay home i can leave and go to a family members house and fell at home with my own bed and t.v and all the things i need.they say friends are a blessing and if you are fortunate to have at lease 1 good friend through out yr life you blessed.well i know i am extra blessed because i have 3 friends who have stuck it out with me through the good and the bad the happy and the sad..and i love them to death.and as time progressed i considered them more like best friends..FAMILY now.but don't get me wrong i have met some people who i had gotten close to in college and i love them but i mean let's b honest i only knew them for a couple of months..naw I'm not going to sit up here and fake i consider them friends too..really good friends because they were there for me when i thought i had nobody in my corner and i love them for that and since the day we met they all came real.no one put up a front or kept secrets because the group was too real for that.nobody held there tongue we all said what we meant and meant what we said...i liked that it was like everybody was themselves no cut cards..raw love..i guess but everything ain't always what it seems..people seem to always show their true colors when your not looking..they say the best way to see a person is to not look at them...

i guess,.

undressing you with your clothes on.standing up while were laying down.temperatures hotter than fire and the heat has got me growing cold...so lets stop drop and roll together.cozy blankets,heavy eyes,secret desires,weak knees,heavy limbs,bodies touching,clinched fingers,arched backs,bitten lips,sweaty sheets,soft music,dark rooms,exotic sounds,temporary high,uncontrollable feeling.s in this humid paradise,.

''UHM..'',,

they say you are the company you keep...and birds of a feather flock together..but i think it.s rubbish...if you hang with thieves & don't steal does that make you a thief?.or if your a girl & hang with all dudes does that make you gay?. most of the time no,i mean i use to hang with fake Youngs' but i thought since we were friends i would be exempt from their fakeness.i mean i might have been but i don't know their private thoughts..i don't know what they truly thought,but i didn't stop fucking with them because that would have been fake of me..i didn't stop fucking with them until i felt shade was being thrown & the friendship could not be salvaged, i don't hang with allot of people because i don't like people or fully trust them..while most people have a circle of close friends i have a square [ME] [YONNIE]



[NAE'] [NE.NE]
my loves my BITCHE.s,my FAMILY..there the ONLY people who know me a little better than the rest..people only see what you allow them to see and know what you want them too.but these guys know me because time was put into our friendship's..we went threw HELL just to come out closer :)..i think i can honestly say ill be friends with these guys forever& a day!.We've grown so much closer since we first met..these guys are my family...1st family 2nd friends. I LOVE THEM TO DEATH! my friends..my loves my family.♥.

-Marleyy

UHM??,,

you ever just wanted to be up under somebody 24/7 365?.but didn't want to seem too press,obsessed or clingy?.you ever just wanted to tell someone your feelings but was scared of what they might think or say?.you ever yearned for a relationship to be more but didn't pursue it because you were afraid of rejection?. you ever missed out on something GREAT because you let your fears hold you back?.you ever did the opposite of what your heart was telling you because you were afraid of the outcome?.you ever questioned your existence or self worth?.well have you??.

Rambling Thoughts,,

i don't know where these feelings came from but there FREAKING me out..i know i don't have feelings for you or want to be with you i mean that's against my religion.[lls].but i guess i just love being in your presence.I'm not sure if im lusting after you or that your companionship excites me.these mysterious thoughts of you are conflicting with my human nature,but then again i don't even think i have true feelings because i don't see myself with you,i think its that i enjoy your company...i think its more so that i enjoy spending time with you & the connection we have is on a whole another..its like no other your a personality intrigues me..but i only get these feeling's when I'm around or thinking about you...i know this feeling must stem from somewhere..a place deep down inside..a place that i am unfamiliar with...IDK what it is about you but i DON'T LIKE it!!.sometimes i get a little jealous when your attention is another people.i don't mind it..i mean i know theres gonna be others i would just like you yo pay me more attention..mann im sounding clingy and shit & that's not me...you know what imma just get straight to the point...i feel like you only fuck with me when it's convenient for YOU.but i gotta realize people are never who you want them to be,people are flawed & have a mind to do as they please.no one is perfect..but anyways i feel like a rebound..like if nothing else fails you know I'll be there.i feel kind of taken for granted..i put you before allot of people..you know what..I'm gonna make myself scarce& less available..maybe i wont feel like im feeling if i dont stay in constant communication..but when all else fails i gotta just except that the relationship i want us to have will probably never be,and I'm OK & made piece with it..whatever..later
-Marleyy

matters of the heart,,

to let true love go unspoken is the quickest way to a heavy heart..but to kno the heart of another we must first kno our own..

love is my religon,,

Love is my religon..you can take it or leave it..you dont have to believe it..i'll take you to the temple tonite..i dont condem..i dont convert..no one is going to lose their soul..all we need is love..i've made up my mind..love is my religon.♥.

.♥.

A words just a word until you mean what you say & love isn't love until you give it away.You said you love me & i kinda believed that but who really knows these days? They say its different levels of love. but i think there are no levels. Like they say its puppy love,love, and endless love. and you can be either in love or have love for..like when a girl says to a man ''i love you..but I'm not in love with you''.i don't know i never been in ''love-love'' before. i guess you can say it was puppy love i just loved the way he made me feel and all the cute little things we use to do.
they said the tongue is a powerful weapon. they say when you speak out you speak put into the world.like if you constantly say over and over that your day is going to b a bad day. you will.i heard in church that the devil can not get into your mind he prays on your words...