I.D.K.,,

i feel like my life is at a stand still..I'm not doing anything..I'm not working..I'm not in school..I'm just here..feels like I'm wasting away..i feel like my life is on pause for the first time of my life..i don't feel like myself anymore..like i don't get excited anymore..I'm rarely happy..sometimes i feel numb..like i don't feel anything..i mean yea i still hang out..but sometimes id rather stay in..i NEVER use to like staying in..but now id rather do that than anything else..i feel so UN-accomplished i been out of school for a year..and when i was in school for that one little semester i didn't take advantage of it..to be honest i could have BEEN in school but i procrastinated..to be honest i don't think college is for me anymore..after my grandmother died and i had to leave St.Aug apart iv me died..i know college would benefit me in the long run..but its plenty of people who lead happy and successful lives with out a college degree..i mean yes college is nice but its not mandatory for a happy life..you know what the more i think about it i kind of want to change my major..i don't think my heart is in forensics anymore..I.D.K why but its just not hitting home like it use to for me..i mean I've been wanting to be a Forensic Scientist since about the 9th grade..but before that i wanted to be an obstetrician because i like kids which brings me back to my change of heart..i think i wanna change my major to either social worker or early childhood development and teach either elementary school or work at a daycare center and minor in criminal justice..but i know there is no money in teaching..but i would be doing what i love..I.D.K..i have about a year left to let my heart decide..i remember when i was little i wanted to be just like my mommy =).♥.an endoscopy technician..i wanted to be a writer..a professional cheerleader..i wanted to be everything under the sun i had my whole life planed out..its funny how when your a child you could picture your life and how it will turn out not knowing that its a slim chance it will actually happen...sometimes i wish i could go back to my childhood..you know..no cares..you fall mommy would kiss it and make it all better..making best friends on the first day of school..you have a bad dream you can sleep with mommy..you get sick mommy make you feel special & she does extra little things to ease the pain..i miss the innocence..when i didn't have a care in the world...

just blogg.n

i don't know..kind of having mixed feelings right now..I'm mad,sad and confused..i don't understand why I'm feeling this way..maybe if i break it down ill feel much better...just talk about anything that comes to mind...

[friends]..what is a friend really??..does anybody truley know??..i mean i think i have a little thought of what a friend is..well i don't..I'm not gon sit up here and try to lie..or make up some shit..cuz i don't know..the dictionary says "one attached to another by affection or esteem;serving a beneficial or helpful purpose"i mean is that really what a friend is??..i don't think there is a real definition of a friend..i mean can you really define your friend..i don't have any friends..friends are over rated..i mean i had friends at one time but they long gone..who needs friends when you have family..my best.friend is my sister;& my two "friends" are cousins.lls.[in].i don't need friends..family is all i need

[life]..what is life really..i mean you live & you die..what are you suppose to with it besides the "basic.s"..go to school,get good grades,graduate,go to college,dont drink or do drugs,graduate college,meet somebody,get a good government job,settle down,grow old together,and die..that's so lame and boring..if life was like that it wouldn't be worth living..if everybody was the same life would be dry..its the differences and unknown that makes life interesting.i wonder if Adam would have never taken a bite of the apple would life be better..they say if Adam would have never biten the apple there would be no violence,no sorrow,no pain,no grief,no wrong,no right.it would just be life..as a culture..or as humans we've become attracted to flaws and wrong doings its just how were built..if god was to transform this world into the "before the apple" world and let us keep the knowledge we have..we would die.[hypothetically]

[preference]..I'm a very sexual person but i haven't had that many sexual experiences..i prolly think about sex 12 hr.s a day...its like a bad song..once its in my head i cant get out..but lately i been thinking about this one particular person..i don't think of them in a sexual sense just about the feelings they give me..I'm not lusting or fantasizing about them,,there just on my mind constantly..and i dont have the slightest reason why..like i think its so weird that when they text or call me i get butterflies like crazy..& when i text or call them my stomach hurts because i don't know whats gonna happen..when i think about young.n i get a smile on my face..i don't know if its feelings or infatuation..like i truely don't know..i don't want to be with this person i just want to be around them constantly..like 24/7..i don't think I'm attracted to them but in the same breath there not ugly either....i don't know maybe its a phase..maybe ill get over it..I.D.K....

[love]..what is love exactly..I.D.K but i think love is selfless..self sacrificing..forgiving..deep..kind..everlasting..joy..pain..non-discriminating..happiness and blind..i don't think once you love somebody you cant just up and not love them anymore..just a little less.i presume..idk..i know i cant just stop loving somebody..its not in me I'm not built that way..im not larcen hearted..im actually emotional..VERY..i wear my heart on my sleeve..you can always tell how im feeling by my behavior..i don't know how to hide my emotions..i think im overly emotional..I.DK

bored off tha late night...

life is too short to wake up with regrets..so love the people who treat you right..and love the ones who don't just because you can..believe everything happens for a reason..if you get a second chance at something..grab it with both hands..if it changes your life..let it..kiss slowly & with your eyes closed..forgive quickly..god never said life would be easy..he just promised it would be worth it..there's only two definite dates in your life..your birthday and the day you die..so what you do in the mean time in between time is totally up to you..you can either accomplish life..or die unaccomplished..stop dwelling on the negativity's of your life..you don't have to be a product of your enviorment..when people throw stones at you..you can do one of two things..you can either pick them up and throw them back or you can pick them up and build you a castle(T.H)..let your insecurities and fears be your stepping stones to a better and more confident lifestyle..erase the "i cant" out of your vocabulary..because if all you know is "i can"..fears of the unknown wont b as scary and you wont be as closed mind towards things..you would look at things in a whole new perspective and see huge milestones as simple obstacles..don't live life through other peoples experiences..experience your own..

ramblings,,

the saddest part isn't that with each passing day i feel like i need you more..but it's the fact that you don't need me at all..it's quite ironical in life that the person that brings out the best in you and the person that makes you strong is your weakness..smiles are no more than hollow love..i sometimes wish you were here..because my weakness is my fear..when I'm alone i am myself & feel that there is no real reason left for me to care..i didn't get what i wanted..so i took what wanted me..settling...though memories are suppose to last forever..there comes a point in time when the memories just die.....

just think.n,,

why are people so concerned with how you are living...why do people make it their business to tell you how you should act,live,and be? are they so bored with their own life that they have to ruin yours..like W.T.F i don't get it..the shit gets on my nerves..then their who you should and shouldn't hang around..whats the big deal..every person ain't for everybody..[if that makes sense]..like everybody don't want to hang out with a boring person..that shit ain't cool..that shit is lame,wack..against my religion..i do what i want because in the end the only person that matters is me..i could care less about what you think about me and my lifestyle..mind your fucking business my man..I'm the only person i wake up and go to sleep as..I'm not fitna change me to satisfy you..who are you?..judge me?..so what..fuckas been judging me since i came out the womb..and I'm still living life..and will continue too..one fucka don't stop no show..I'm a 1 woman band..independent..doing this shit for myself..hate when people try so damn hard to please others..fuck them..they cant help your life only you can..do what the fuck you want..you are the only person who has to deal with the decisions that you make..you are the soul benefactor of your actions..you and you alone..man just live life who gives a fuck..if you religious go to church..if you aint that's all fine and good too..don't let nobody make you feel bad because you don't have a religion or believe in their GOD..i mean religion aint for everybody..some people just aint strong enough to deal with it..but what is religion really??..FAITH?..BELIEVING?..im mean what..why do you believe or not?...some people cant even answer..uwho are you to judge them and try and throw holy water and the bible at them..there still people just like you..they just live by a different creed..and how can you look at it as BIG sin..whole time there is no big or small sin..SIN is SIN..KILLING..DRINKING..FORNICATING..LIEING..ADULTRY..CURSING..LUST..ENVY..it's all sin..but since you go to church everyday your holier than thou..you've been saved all your life..cut the crap..you sin more than you think..people so blind it don't make no since..you think you can be out here doing whatever as long as you repint and go to church on sunday you good..naw you not even close it takes more than just repinting and church..get your mind right..were all humans here..#random.."are you gay??"..am i the only person who hates this question..like why does it matter..if i was..would that change your perception of me?..most likely it would..people say they don't care if your gay or not but whole time they do..allot of people lie about their preference because there afraid of what others may think..so they compromise there happiness for acceptance..like so what..fuck who you wanna..if your a dude and you feel as though a dude's for you..do you..fuck what other people think..if you like both sexes..i say go for that shit..just protect yours..don't be all reckless..have some kind of respect about yours..and be truthful..if you fucking a bitch and a dude be upfront..tell them both whats up because nobody likes surprises.....

bored is shit mane.lls,

you really put it on ya girl i love the way you kiss the pearl i love it how we do it anywhere i love it when you sweat out my hair.[not really].lls.boy yu like a M.J you really know how to beat it & i heard you put it on the street how im an undercover freak..well lemme put it out there yu was like flash in the sheets so fast i had to finish when u left..lls.like a kid with a cake you can really eat & i love how yu act like a stray dog[happy every time i feed yu]..so when you come over here let me talk to you for a minit....lemme put yu up on a couple of things..that thing u do with your tongue it.s amazing, stupendous, marvelous, exciting, outlandish!!.lls...but yr dick game is weak.lls.lemme stop..i did too much..#WGAF!!...